"Something broke inside me that day. Something cracked, and all the energy and fear and roiling anger drained out. I felt calm and empty. I felt sad but not devastated. I was exhausted and couldn't carry it anymore. Enough."
Last year, I read a blog post by Shauna Niequist called Enough that rocked my world. Besides being a blogger, Shauna is the author of several amazing books and speaker. She also struggled with infertility after her first son was born. I knew she had wisdom, but at the time I wasn't ready to soak up her words.
I wasn't ready to say enough. I felt that if I let go of the reins, I would actually be letting go of my deep longings to be a mother. There were (are) constant swirling thoughts in my head, such as: Will I be satisfied if I never have a biological child? Will I be okay surrendering my desires to God?
Last month I didn't immediately go into a funk when my period came. I'm not sure if I'm more attuned to God or if, in fact, over time you simply realize life goes on; It's not worth wallowing every time someone else gets pregnant.
I've been reading Bread & Wine by Shauna and didn't realize that the same post, Enough, was from a chapter in the book (or maybe the blog post was put in the book). Reading it now -- two years into this infertility journey -- I'm coming to a more holistic understanding. An understanding that God knows more than me and that He loves me more than I know. He's not a genie who waves his hand to erase my pain, but He meets me in the pain and allows good (not necessarily what I thought would be good) to happen when I'm open and ready.
"I want to cultivate a deep sense of gratitude, of groundedness, of enough, even while I'm longing for something more."
Jordan and I have been given time -- nearly seven years -- to develop a specific rhythm for our marriage. We've made mistakes, traveled, developed some incredible friendships, and started a business; things that would have been more difficult, though not impossible, to do with children. I'm choosing to look at this season as a blessing -- like a river flowing in the desert.
What is your river?