My old blog account resurfaced this week. Ok, it didn't just appear, I looked for it. After reading through some of the posts, I realized that a) my grammar used to be better and b) I was really whiny, wow, was I whiny. It was cringe reading at it's finest. Growing up is embarrassing. We make mistakes and hurt people's feelings; we experience literal growing pains.
For much of my youth I struggled with fitting in and being seen, not as someone's sister or friend, but as an individual. When we moved from Ohio to Illinois, kids told me that they didn't need another best friend because they've had one since preschool. "Hey guys, that was only two years ago," is what I often thought. I became sensitive and guarded and took situations out of context and made everything personal. Instead of becoming attuned to others that were hurting, I instead hurt others; it's hard to have that in my past. I didn't need to take every rejection as an attack on my worth. I should have clung to what God thought of me and not worried about who wanted to be my friend. And God did bring me friends during that adjustment period, despite early rejections.
During our marriage, Jordan has really sanded some of my rough edges. I am so thankful that he lovingly calls me out on certain areas. I was the baby and only girl in my family, so my world kind of revolved around me. Or at least, it felt like that. Through encouragement and conscious decisions I have worked on living more graciously. I make an effort to ask others how their day is going, instead of talking about mine. My time is less precious. Life is more enjoyable for me when I focus on other people's needs.
I will never figure life completely out, nor would I want to, but I am glad that each day is open to new lessons; wrongs can be made right, apologies can and are said.
Thanks for sticking with me, friends.
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