My hope in sharing my journey is not to appear dissatisfied with my life or ungrateful. I am VERY thankful for what I do have. I have a lot of wonderful days. But to be honest; some days are just not good and I feel like it's important for me to be open about it all. These are moments written down, and they serve as threads in the great tapestry of my life.
The name of the Lord is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe. - Proverbs 18:10.
I started running last month. Running and I have never gotten along; a fickle relationship full of opportunity, but no follow-through on my end. You see, I was a swimmer: my lungs work under water but they are confused on land. At my peak, I could swim for two hours five/six nights a week, but run a mile? Nope, not for me! I avoided becoming comfortable with running for most of my life. But last month, while in a bit of a funk, I felt the urge to try again. Exercise has always been cathartic for my soul, but I had strayed away. It was time to reconnect with myself.
My period came 11 days late last month. I didn't want to let my hopes get too high because pregnancy disappointment has been regular over the past almost two years. I had lost track of any semblance of a timeline. My mind was filled with moving details, not on a potential pregnancy, but I was certainly confused with the negative tests. My initial response was to crawl into a deep, dark, bitter hole full of self-wallowing. And I almost did (instead I watched Project Runway* and ate cookies). After the tears were shed, I looked around and realized I needed to literally shake the icky feelings off. Cookies only help initially, so I laced up my sneakers, stepped outside, and RAN.
It's so hard to comprehend the why in this world. "Why didn't I get what was 'coming to me?' I thought I was one of the first in line? Why is this so challenging?... It should be easy." That dialogue is not constructive, but sadly it's often my first reaction. When I was younger I thought being an adult meant you literally grew out of things: impatience, doubt, fear, etc. I thought the struggles of my youth would just slip away, never to surface again.
I suppose it was naivety to think everything could be neatly wrapped and tucked away. Some seasons the metaphorical box is wide open, contents spilled on my bedroom floor, and other times they are organized in a convenient container. Right now my contents are somewhere in the middle and all I can do is run to Him. I get annoyed with myself for not being at a stage of resolve. I don't like being in the middle. But God is okay with my mess. He sits in it with me. I continually need to be reminded he wants us to bring our messy selves to him.
So I run to Jesus with my fears and doubts. Because that's all I know to do. That's all there is to do.
*If sitting on the couch, watching Project Runway isn't your thing, Ariana Grande's album is particular good for long runs. It's pure pop goodness.
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